Food Games/Transcript
Part 1 Video Here ---------------------------------------------------------------\/ {Jon is talking on the phone with someone} Jon: Yeah, hi, I'm calling about the Thanksgiving turkey order this season. Yeah, well the first of many problems is it doesn't appear to be a turkey at all! {a live horse is in Jon's room} ''Yeah, this thing's still alive and kicking! Alright, it's walking around doing its business like its got a report to file on Monday! ''{the horse comes across a bust of Macaulay Culkin's head} Jon: No! No, you be careful with that! No, that's my priceless vaguely adult Macaulay Culkin head bust! {the horse punts it over, breaking it partially} Jon: Oh, that's just wonderful! And what exactly am I supposed to worship now? {back on the phone} Yeah, I don't know what you expect me to do; deal with this myself? I can't deal with something myself, come on, this is America! {holds brick up} ''Yeah, of course I got the brick, what are you talkin' about? ''{realizes} Oh. {we cut to black as we seemingly hear the brick being thrown at the horse, who neighs in pain; we cut back to Jon's room, where he is now attempting to eat a slice of the brick as the very much uninjured horse approaches} Jon: Dine with me, newfound horse friend! Oh, what? You don't like it, huh? Come on, there are starving equine out there this Thanksgiving. You should know better really. Jacques: {confused} ''I don't know how I feel about this feast. '''Jon': Quiet, you! You're just jealous because there's a new cute critter in the house, alright. And I ain't talkin' about myself, definitely not objectively. {holds up a magazine with him on the cover; a tagline refers to him as "#1 Ugliest Man in the Privacy of his Own House"} ''I was rated "number one ugliest man in the privacy of his own house". Like, what is the point of this magazine? What a blessed Thanksgivin-''{having forgotten that a horse is here}-'oh my God, there's a horse in my house!' {cut to images related to Thanksgiving and eventually fast food, mainly McDonald's} Jon (VO): Maybe Thanksgiving is a little gruesome after all. I think we need something to wash over these hard facts of life with. You know, like a big ol' clown! What slaughterhouses? Look at the clown, look at the Hamburglar, he stole the chicken nuggets, ha ha! It always comes back to entertainment. Since the dawn of time, companies have been trying to find the most insidious ways to get in between your brain's folds; to lay an idea that'll hatch one day. An idea you probably thought was yours, but actually it was this guy's. {KFC logo appears, followed by images of Colonel Sanders} ''You really want this guy coming up with your ideas? It looks like he owns slaves! ''{images of arcades and games appear} So that's why when video games hit the scene in the early eighties, companies were all over it; just shelling out money indiscriminately to plaster their mugs all over the place wherever they could. Oh my god, so greedy! So soulless! It stands to taint the holiday. Eh, but really come on. Jon: Thanksgiving is about being thankful and grateful for all the wonderful amenities we have in the US of A, and at the end of the day, what's more American than food, entertainment, and commercialism, all rolled right into one tight package? {teary-eyed} It's beautiful. Whopper Chase (Burger King; Commodore 64) Jon (VO): One of the earliest examples of advertising in games is Burger King's very own Whopper Chase for the C64. That's right, a full nineteen years before The King creeped out the world by storm. Strangely, this game is Spain only. {he notices the programmer credit to someone named Jesus Medina} It was also programmed by Jesus! Many a long work day was had by Jesus. You could hear him typing away, typing away in his Nazareth mud hut. It stars you as the Whopper shooting your leftover mayonnaise supply out at various creeps that I can only assume want to take a bite out of you because you're so goddamned delicious. {the chef appears} Why is the chef an enemy here? You're a little late, dude. Throwing knives isn't gonna do much now. {referring to the enemies} What are these things? Is that a pickle? Is that a tomato or apple? What reason would they have to attack me? There's not much to this game and it certainly doesn't want to make me buy a Whopper. Nice try, guys, but I'm not that easily fooled. Chex Quest (Chex; Windows/DOS) Some companies even tried to package the game with the product. Probably the most famous example of this being Chex Quest, a Doom clone involving green goo and a.....television remote control. {sarcastic} Good job on this one guys. But let's cut the crap and be honest. {whips out an America Online CD} ''We're all really here for 53 hours of America Online! 'That's the REAL shit baby! Give it to me!!' Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure (Cap'n Crunch; Windows) And of course, we can't forget the second greatest cereal hit: Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure. ''{footage of Cap'n Crunch commercials} I don't know about this guy, Cap'n Crunch. He doesn't strike me as being a very responsible person, like putting grody ass CDs in children's cereal. I mean, come on, this guy's always bursting through walls and shit. Who's gonna pay for that? What are you the captain of? What's your rank? '''Eh, Cap'n, be careful, you're gonna hit somebody! '''Boy: It's a disguise! Cap'n Crunch: It's Jean LaFoote!? {subtitled and bleeped as "It's Sean Le F**K!?"} {the game begins} Cap'n Crunch: Hi! Before we get started, you need to choose the crunchling you'll raise and train. Jon (VO): Yes, Cap'n. Which one of these mighty strong slave creatures shall I purchase with my sack of crunch shekels? Which one will scream the least when I bite its succulent head? Cap'n Crunch: On the next screen, you'll give your crunchling a name. Jon (VO): You want me to name it? Wha-I don't want to get too attached to the poor thing. Just put in a name that's not applicable, blast it with some colored piss and we'll be on our way. Cap'n Crunch: You're gonna raise the best crunchling ever! Crunchlings need lots of praise, as well as plenty of Cap'n Crunch cereal! Jon: Yeah, lots of Cap'n Crunch to keep their bones from developing. You wouldn't want it to be, you know, quick and nimble so that they can escape this dungeon you keep them in. Jon (VO): Okay, let's see here. What, do I pull on this? {pulls a lever, causing Cap'n Crunch cereal to fall into the cave for the crunchling to eat} ''That's all you do, you just feed him Cap'n Crunch that falls from the ceiling when you pull a lever? What is this, a Quaker Oats wet dream? ''{Jon pulls a lever on his couch, causing a slow-motion scene of a boatload of Quaker Oats flying at him while funky music plays} This game is really weird. You're just the caretaker of this crunchling monster. Its got a food and happiness meter, which you can raise by feeding it one of three types of Cap'n Crunch cereal....and...tickling it? {a feather tickles the crunchling} ''I'm not sure what the end goal is here. I assume to train it for a gladiatorial crunchling event where it will attempt to bathe in the blood of its rivals...{camera pans to the speed, jumping and strength meters}...as seen here by the three training stats of speed, jumping and strength. In the first minigame, you throw rocks at other rocks while a dinosaur in the background perpetually forgets why it's standing there. ''{he finished the game} Whoa, this is a lot of hard work. I wonder how much training we got outta that. Hold on, let me see. Just let me get closer. {the stats merely show that a very tiny bit of strength was received and nothing else} THAT'S ALL THE PROGESS I MADE!? That tiny tip of a goddamn tick walking around on crutches and shit and about to expire an early death from polio!? How many times am I expected to play that minigame to level the stat up? You'd better win a lifetime supply of Cap'n Crunch for beating this. ''{now, in a racing minigame set in Backwardia….} '''Cap'n Crunch: Anything can happen in this crazy place, but it always happens backwards! You're going to race against this turtle on your skateboard. Jon: What kind of madness is this!? {the turtle and crunchling race down the street} Jon (VO): Wow, truly a crazy place. It's so crazy, it even has a rollercoaster in the background. This game is complete bullshit. You're supposed to beat the turtle, but he's just like one of the most immaculate racers of all time. If you hit anything, even '''''one thing, you can't recover. So, what, if I mess up once, the turtle's fucking gone?! He's just outta there. {he finishes the race dead last} What can I say? The Cap'n: he expects perfection. Jon: That's nice, Cap'n. But, oh, that time you fucked up and your cereal was just all berries, huh? {whips out said box of "Oops! All Berries"} I still bought that shit. I didn't criticize you for it, you gave it a sarcastic name. How soon we forget. Jon (VO): Also, for some reason, there's a Gatorade ad inside this ad. Very effective. Jon: But not all companies were so sneaky about this. Some tried to sell you their own advertising outright. Yoshinoya (Yoshinoya; PS2) Take for example Yoshinoya for PS2. Is this a video game or the restaurant's smallest branch? {speaking into game case as if it were a menu} ''Yes, I'd like one beef ball and a small Coke, please? I would have ordered large but I am to believe you don't carry that size here. '''Jon (VO)': It's a Japan-only game and the goal is to play as a minimum wage worker at a Yoshinoya beef bowl branch. Really? Could I have at least been the boss? How is this even supposed to make me wanna buy more Yoshinoya!? The game's not even free, you have to buy it. Mash square to pay off your student loans! McDonald's Games Jon: Now those are all great, but I'm sure what you wanna see is how a true titan of a company would market their game, and you will not be disappointed. Oh yeah, I'm talkin' clowns, okay!? Clowns everywhere!! {footage of McDonald's commercials appear} Jon (VO): I've gotta say, I don't know how they've gotten away with using a clown as their mascot for so long, because Ronald McDonald does not make me want to eat a hamburger. He makes me wanna call the police. {Jon slams a Ronald McDonald doll down on the table} Jon: Come on. Ain't you hungry? Ain't you hungry yet? {smacks lips} M.C. Kids (NES) First, let's look at M.C. Kids for the NES. Huh, is it M.C. Kids or MC Kids? {image of Michael Jackson and E.T. together appears} This was the eighties; anything was possible! Jon (VO): The game starts off with two kids reading a story in a tent. "Ronald..." {notices the off-model Ronald McDonald} Whoa, what's goin' on with you dude? You need a haircut or something or a facelift? Something's off with you, please go get it fixed. "...was showing off his Magic Bag at a picnic in the meadow, when all of a sudden...." Jon: I don't think you have to finish this story. I have a feeling that I already know how it ends. Jon (VO): Ronald, come on. Tuck away the Magic Bag back into your pants, alright? Nobody needs to see it? Take your meds! {Ronald appears to one of the kids asking for help} "Help! Help! The Hamburglar has run off with my Magic Bag! Please help us get it back!" The fuck!? Get it yourself you creep! Would you look at yourself; you're a hunched over grown man clown asking a child to help get your bag back! Back off!! "Search the levels of my Clubhouse and retrieve at least four of my Puzzle Cards". Ronald, what are you, forty-six? You can't go around telling kids to scavenge through your Clubhouse! Jon: This game is now promoting children helping strangers then going into said stranger's private abode for the promise for the trade of a tasty hamburger. I don't see anything wrong with that if you don't. Jon (VO): "If you come back to my house with four cards, I will show you how to get to Birdie's house". Jon: Is Birdie one of your back room girls, Ronald? When's the last time she's seen her parents, huh? You sick twisted clown! Jon (VO): {an airplane bearing the Virgin logo appears} ''It's so bizarre, isn't it? That games used to be used for marketing purposes like this. It fell out of style because it clearly doesn't work. It's too, I don't know, heavy-handed. I mean, get real already, we're not sheep. I mean, it's not as if this game would make me want to order a delicious McDonald's hamburger which has the perfect blend of crispy lettuce, meaty tomatoes, a patty sizzled to perfection and topped off with one, perfectly crunchy pickle. {''Jon unwraps and munches on something offscreen} That's ridiculous. Jon: {mouthful of burger} ''I'm two steps ahead of you McDonald's. All your marketing games aren't gonna work on me! ''{to someone offscreen} Hey, can you pass the ketchup? I mean, you can't have a burger without ketchup. Jon (VO): Okay, first level. "Ronald's Clubhouse - The Clubhouse". Might wanna work on that name. This one's a direct rip-off of Mario World in terms of its assets and structure, but not so much the gameplay itself. That's pretty weird considering this was a high profile commercial production. {the boy destroys a series of tripwires in order to proceed} Okay, beat that level, got that one, got that one, and we're good, moving on. {the boy can't go on, due to a lack of all four Puzzle Cards} What's going on? I can't seem to move on to the next world. Is this all there is? {realizes} Oh, that's right. I gotta get Ronald's dirty cards to advance...but I can't find them. Shouldn't they be easier to find considering this is the first level? {one of them is placed floating in the air below a ground platform, making it impossible to reach} What about this one up here? I don't know how I'm supposed to get it. Am I supposed to throw a block at it? {boy throws a block at the card; it merely ricochets back to the ground} ''No, that didn't do it. Ah, maybe if I stack this block here and I'll go get another one...and bring it back. ''{the block has disappeared} ''Oh, okay. Ah, whatever, this game sucks. ''{the boy jumps onto stacked blocks each bearing an arrow pointing back, causing him to fly all the way back to the start of the level} WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! ''What is that about? I touched one penile thing in the level and it sends me all the way back!? I could've gone out and bought another game in the time it took that to transpire! Mick & Mat: Global Gladiators (Sega Genesis) Then we have Mick & Mat: Global Gladiators for Sega Genesis. Other than the random Golden Arches placed everywhere, I'm not really sure about the relation of McDonald's on this one. '''Rapper: Ar-ar-are you ready? {rap music} Yeah! {rap music again; Jon cuts in} Jon (VO): WHAT!? That's a helluva soundtrack to start us off. So, as always, the scene is set at a local McDonald's branch. Two kids, who I'm assuming are Mick and Mat respectively, are seated at the table reading about what they call Global Gladiators who apparently they wanna become. "Yea! Being a Gladiator would be a blast!" Rapper: Are you ready? I'm not sure actually. Rapper: Awesome! I feel like you're putting words into my mouth. Rapper: Yeah. Oh, so you admit. {Ronald appears} "Hey guys! If you're looking for a blast...how about this?" {Ronald casts magic, which sends the kids into their comic} What have you done, Ronald!? They were my children! Jon: You're gonna throw these kids into a gladiator world because, what they were thinking about it? Every kid says he wants to be an astronaut, what are you gonna do, throw them into space? {holding burgers} Look, I could have bought ten of these Ronald, but I only bought four because I'm not supporting your reckless habits! {camera trucks back to reveal that he purchased several meals; he looks down at them} ''Okay, turns out I bought fifteen, but my point is you're a real monster. I don't agree with your ethics. ''{bites a burger} Jon (VO): Like I said, the only McDonald's branding on the whole thing is the M in the corner. The McDonald's corporate must have really liked this game. Also, this game is very enthused to be paused. {the game is paused; an upbeat rap sting plays} What a sound effect! The gameplay on this is actually way cooler than you'd expect. If you took the McDonald's branding off of it, you'd have a legitimate game here. McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure (Sega Genesis) Okay, another one for the Genesis. What am I even looking at here? McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure. Weird. {Ronald runs across the level, throwing fire from his hands as he does} That's some batshit fruity shit there. {he then casts some magic} I wasn't even aware Ronald McDonald had magic.This is official? It looks like a ROM hack. Uhh, it's so wrong! Hey, maybe you could of saved up some of that fairy dust to help cheer up the onset Type 2 diabetes you helped create. {another off-model Ronald appears in a puzzle minigame} Yes, eat McDonald. Am real human. Am not faceless robot corporation. Am have real feelings too. Ronald McDonald in Magical World (Game Gear) Alright, one last McDonald's game to show you. Ronald McDonald in Magical World for the Game Gear. "Ronald is always cheerful and happy..." {zooms into Ronald's blank stare} Oh, is that what that emotion is? "..but a strange incident happened one day. It all started when Grimace found a strange looking box." I'm surprised Grimace got out of his bed this day. He's looking pretty checked out. ""When did you find that box?" asks Ronald." The deadness on his eyes piercing Grimace's heart. ""It's going to explode, isn't it?"" First off Grimace, a bit late there. {a pointy nosed man appears from the box} Eww, ew, ewwwww, get out of my face! ""I invite you to join the Magical World."" What if I don't want to? ""Can you find the exit? Have a nice trip!"" What are you, Jigsaw? There's not even for sure an exit there? Good luck finding your way out! I hope there's not too much broken glass in there! What's with this trend of McDonald's games and people being thrown into magical worlds against their will? It's sadistic. Perhaps it's an allegory for our lack of ability to resist the tasty confections of our fast food overlords. Our biological drive to endlessly dine on the salty and sultry goodness of a perfectly cooked burger. Jon: Well, I think we're more than that personally. I mean we have more than just a base drive as a species. I mean, I'd like to think of us as a dignified and..... {he stops due to the urge to consume more fast food} Food.....food. {he checks the table, but there's no food left} Grimbo. Bring me more food. Jonny is hungry, Jonny is hungry! {he tugs on a chain, revealing Grimbo, a Hobbit lookalike, shackled to it, who screeches at him} Obey, Grimbo! Obey! Grimbo: {chants while waving his wand, which starts to crackle} Jon: Bad Grimbo! No curses Grimbo! Go get it! Go get my meal! Go get it! {Grimbo walks over to the counter and hands Jon a McDonald's burger} Good Grimbo. Grimbo lives in a... {he's cut off by Grimbo groaning and blubbering, before he begins crouching back near the stove; cut to Jon eating a burger; turns out that was an imagination sequence; he looks around his room} What the hell happened there? It felt like I blacked out for some time. What is this, food? {tastes the burger} ''Eh, could be. '''TO BE CONTINUED' Part 2 Video Here ---------------------------------------------------------------\/ Narrator: LAST TIME ON JONTRON. DRAMA. {Jon, as a doctor, is speaking with a woman} Jon: I'm sorry. We've lost the baby. Woman: Oh, god! Jon: No no no, like literally lost! We can't find him. It's gone. {the woman gives him a confused stare} Narrator: ROMANCE Jon: Goddamn it! I love you! Woman: {upset} What you mean you love me? Why would you say that? Jon: {slyly} Playing hard to get, aren't you? Narrator: ACTION {Jacques is shown riding a motorcycle and firing a gun rapidly} Narrator: YOU DON'T WANNA MISS THIS. STAYED TUNED FOR MORE JONTRON. {back in reality, Jon gets things on the right track} Jon: Wait wait, hold on! I don't remember any of that happening. That is not what happened in the last episode. What I do remember is that we played a bunch of games based on fast food marketing campaigns, but if you thought we were done, oh, how wrong you were. Yo! Noid (Domino's Pizza; NES) Next on the list is Yo! Noid. This was one of the strangest marketing campaigns of all time for Domino's Pizza. What exactly did they think this would do for their brand? {an excerpt of a Noid commercial plays} Narrator: Oh, that one was cold. That pizza you crushed wasn't cooked just right. Jon: One time I got annoyed when the pepperonis didn't come on the delivery pizza that I forgot to put on. Narrator: He'll come to mush your pizza. Jon: Well then, he sounds like a bad guy to hang around with, doesn't he? Narrator: With Domino's Pizza, you'll avoid the Noid! Jon: Is this really a testament to the pizza or the box it's packaged in? I don't know what the appeal was here, but apparently, he was popular enough to get his own game. {the cartridge is placed in an otherwise empty pizza box} Hmm. Not gonna tip on this delivery. The game starts off with a ""YO!" Noid update. Wild creatures led by Mr. Green are assailing New York City." Well, that don't sound too good. "The mayor (spelt "mayer" here) knows that only the Noid has the power to stop them." The "mayer", spelt M-A-Y-E-R, huh? I'll assume he's referring to John Mayer. Very popular in the Yo! Noid universe because uh, of how much he looks like a big pepperoni. "Using his Super YoYo and other inventions, he will try." That's it, "he will try"? Well, that's all you can ask from somebody, isn't it? {the game starts up; the map looks nothing like New York} Ah, yes, a very accurate map of New York City we got here. {pans all across the map} ''Of course, pictured after a devastating nuclear holocaust has ravaged the world and grass and weeds have consumed the lands! ''{zooms into the lone tower} ''But at least Trump Towers has still survived. '''Donald Trump': I started off in Brooklyn, my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars, I came into Manhattan- Jon: Oh, god. This is the alternate universe where Trump wins, isn't it? {level one boots up} The first level is already excruciating. The perspective on the water is all out of whack. It's completely disorienting; sometimes you'll think you'll land on the wood, but you'll just touch the water and die or some fish will come up from beneath and fuck your shit up. There's no checkpoint so you have to do each level in one beautiful run. It's hard! {level one is finally passed and a minigame starts up} "Welcome to the Pizza Eating Contest". Oh, boy. I think I can win this one! {crams several pizza slices into his mouth; eventually, he can't take it anymore and lies on the couch in pain} ''Uhhh, I ate way too much of your pizza. It hurts. "The area champion goes first", huh? The fuck does that mean? After the end of each level, you get to this strange card game thing. Apparently, the pink guy's the area champion? I don't really understand the rules at all. How many pizzas do I want? What kind of question is that? Give me 'em all! From what I can gather, you just pick a bigger number than he picks, and whoever picks the bigger number wins the battle. ''{camera pans to an unlabeled meter at the bottom} The first to fill his pizza meter down over there wins overall. Pizza meter, I said "pizza meter", don't forget that, ever! Tell that to your kids, tell that to your grandchildren! So, it's just luck I guess. Why would you ever pick the smaller number? "Tee hee! I creamed." Yeah, okay, just as long as it's not on my delivery guy. "Isn't that overdoing it?" Hey, you're the one who's the supposed champion of this shit! You're the one making me do it! Oh, I get it now. I need to eat a pizza because I'm havin' a fucking panic attack over here. I need it, I've gotten stressed! Chester Cheetah: Too Cool To Fool (Cheetos; SNES/Genesis) Chester Cheetah also had his own game way back when called Chester Cheetah: Too Cool To Fool. {the game begins; Chester moves very sluggishly} Oh, god! I move so slow! Is that some sort of joke, he's a cheetah!? I think this is the slowest video game character of all time. I mean, that turtle is faster. But, to be fair, he's on roller-skates, so it's not really a fair fight. Maybe this is the actual speed of a cheetah who's been fed an exclusive diet of Cheetos his entire life. The music too, it just gets in your head after a while. {the game's music and sounds play over Jon making an expression of suffering} If you wanna run, which is still not fast by the way, if you could believe it, it might be slower, you gotta hold down a button and then he's all like {Chester strikes a pose before running} ''"Eh, I'm gonna do it!" He doesn't even do it right away. It's the most unsatisfying anticlimactic thing ever. But at least I can hump the ground in a pipe in the ground. ''{Chester crawls through a pipe; the animation makes it seem like he's humping the ground} ''Can't get to the exit, but I can do this. ''{Chester poses next to a monkey} {voicing Chester} Yeah, uh-huh, you ain't touching this. Come back when you're older, daddy-o! Kool-Aid Man (Kool-Aid; Atari 2600/Intellivison) Hey, what about the Kool-Aid Man? He's kind of interesting, does he have any games? I could have sworn I had something around here...but I thought I misplaced it! {he looks over to a picture frame with the movie poster for Hook in it, implying that it's a secret door; turns out that isn't the case as a guy dressed as the Kool-Aid Man appears at the (real) door with the game in hand} Kool-Aid Guy: Hey dude, what's up? Yeah, here's your game, buddy. Here's the Kool-Aid Man game you got. Yeah, I'm the Kool-Aid Man. Jon: There it is. Thanks. Kool-Aid Guy: No problem buddy. Hey, want some Kool-Aid before I leave here. Jon: Yeah, okay. Kool-Aid Guy: Wanna try a little Kool-Aid? Jon: Okay. Kool-Aid Guy: Punch me in the liver! Jon: {befuddled} ''What? '''Kool-Aid Guy': Punch me in the fuckin' liver! Jon: I DON'T WANN-AAAGGH!! {Jon proceeds to punch him in the chest several times; as he does this, the guy takes out a clear jar and spits out a wad of Kool-Aid into it} Kool-Aid Guy: Bleech! I said just once, man! Uggh. Jon: ''THAT WAS FUCKED UP!!! ''Alright, this is Kool-Aid Man for the Atari. {the game begins; the Kool-Aid Man bursts through a wall, as usual, to enter the first level} I'm gonna remember this moment for the rest of my life! In this, you play as a..jug of Kool-Aid I guess. If you touch any of these cherry bomb guys, your pitcher goes all around the goddamned place bouncing from wall to wall. But occasionally, the cherry bombs stop to take a diabetic sugar-lined piss and then, for some reason, at that point, you can collect them?! {the colors invert and the player character is immobile, implying a loss} What? I can't move anymore. {it suddenly does move all over the place; referring to that and the black screen} The darkest night has only just begun! I have no idea what just happened. The game just stopped. I mean, I'm in a real loss. It just went black and stropped. I'm not even trying to make a joke here. Can anyone make sense of this? I know it's an old game, but it's not even trying to be coherent, so, I'll fill you in. Apparently, what's happening here is that below all of this is a body of water, very obvious I know, that these guys {cherry bombs}, ''known as Thristies, are sucking it up with their straws. ''{looks at the elongated straws} ''Yeah, those are straws I guess. Not sure what the multicolored thing is about, but hey, like I said, it was 1983 was possible. They elected Ronald Reagan and he was pictured at least several times with a chimpanzee. Up here in the United States, he was also in the feature film Bedtime for Bonzo, you know. You can only collect those guys if they're drinking the water. If the water goes down all the way, you lose. Truth be told, I don't why I didn't buy this game twice! The California Raisins: The Grape Escape (The California Raisins; NES; unreleased) Up next, the California Raisins, also known as one of the most terrifying commercial campaigns to ever grace the United Sates. '''They made Michael Jackson a drag queen! The King of Pop is a sun bleached creep!' Now, you may not have even known that this game existed but that's because, technically it doesn't. This game was fully finished and then never released. The real copies of it that do exist are held in really high value, so I happen to have a reproduction card here. It starts up with this nice splash screen. {zoom in on the Raisins} ''Okay. There's some judge raisins on a stand. "Calrab"? What does that mean; is it short for California Raisins Band? If so then why is it on the judge's stand? Do they own the state? The story here is that the California Raisins have been kidnapped along with all their music, but you know, did you save an MP3 player here somewhere? You know you could just burn a couple on a disc then it's not lost anymore. In this game, you apparently attack by scooping a piece of your stomach out and throwing it at the enemy. By the end of this level, there won't be much of him left. It plays pretty close to what you'd expect from a platformer from this era. I mean it's not great, but I don't see why it was canceled. I mean, they already spent all the money making it. There's dead ends on practically every level, which is annoying, but the bosses are pretty cool, I guess. I mean, I think, but cool is really subjective really. ''{one of the bosses, a grape bunch wearing a towel, appears; it resembles God} God has forsaken us! {Jon defeats him} Okay, I defeated the last boss, I put him out of his misery. I don't know if this is all worth it guys. {the end screen appears} "Congraturaisins"? When you beat the game it says "congraturaisins" {unamused} '''''And it was worth it! Pepsi Invaders (Coca-Cola; Atari 2600) Alright, here's a more straightforward one; Pepsi Invaders. It's just Space Invaders but for Pepsi. But wait a second. Up there it says Coke? So who's this game supposed to advertise, Coke or Pepsi? {the full text reads "Coke Wins"} ''Now, wait a sec. "Coke Wins"? But this is before the game even starts! I didn't do anything. This is irrelevant to the matter at hand. This is just a statement. Oh, I see. So you're shooting Pepsi as Coke. You're destroying them, very subtle guys. After some research, I found out that, unsurprisingly, this is an altered version of Space Invaders but it was commissioned by Coca-Cola themselves for their 1983 sales convention. In some circles, the game is simply referred to as Coke Wins, probably a reference to that ''{text from before}. Nice one guys, classy. I'm sure everyone was very impressed. Can you imagine them putting this up on a big screen at a convention? I mean, how insecure do you gotta be? There were only about 125 different copies made total. Nowadays, they can go up for $1300 or more. {the last invader, a P in Pepsi, starts quickly descending, as usual} Oh, here she comes! {strangely, the P keeps moving back in forth just above the Coke ship, never getting any closer; the game suddenly ends} What?! If you wait for the P to come down and kill you, it just never does? What can I say guys, you have such a superior product that Pepsi can't even win when it wins! Yeah! Coke Wins! Fuck yourself fuck your mother in her ol' bed!!! Okay, Coke. We get it. You had your chance. Let's see how a tasteful company like Pepsi would market their product. Pepsi Man (Pepsi; PlayStation) {a cutscene from the game appears, depicting an obese man in an easy chair laughing crazily while eating chips and watching television} Now we're getting into some deep shit! I don't know if I'm ready for that. Also, what, what, WHAT, WHAAAT!? Believe it or not, what you just witnessed was not the confiscated video tape of a serial killer's mad ramblings. It was an official cutscene from Pepsi's own PlayStation 1 classic Pepsi Man. {more live-action cutscenes appear} Look at this, this is how it really starts from moment one; it looks like a snuff film or something. As puzzling as it is, Pepsi made the choice to include all this live-action footage as part of game. The game was Japan exclusive, but all the cutscenes take place in Los Angeles, California with...this guy. {the obese man walks with a bunch of Pepsi and chips in his hands} Oh, geez. Shoenice over here! He speaks English, too, but he's subtitled in Japanese. {a comparison of the street in the game and the real street in Los Angeles appears} Look, I even found the exact corner that's on here in the city of Inglewood. Represent; let's get together and make this a hollowed site, huh? Put up a monument or two. {the screen zooms in on the photo of the street; the store featured in the game is no longer there} It looks like this guy left such a legacy, he ran the whole block out of business. Except for that El Pollo Loco of course! 'Cause let's face it; our body needs The Crazy Chicken! {the man looks into his can of Pepsi} Hey, what can you see in there? Actually, don't tell me, I want to keep that part of myself intact. {the man, on his easy chair, silently smiles wickedly} Man: You're doing pretty good. That doesn't mean much coming from you! In this world, everyone relies on Pepsi Man to solve their problems by, uh, restocking Pepsi machines. Yeah, okay, it checks out. Pepsi Truck Driver: I got a call that a vending machine ahead ran out of Pepsi, and I was just on my way there- {the animation on the characters is quite jerky and the driver's voice sounds dopey} Oh my god, that's like real desperation in that man's voice. He sounds like his family's been taken hostage. {game footage; Pepsi Man is running down a neighborhood street collecting cans of Pepsi} Whoa, okay. I can't believe I never heard of this. You run through the streets and even through people's homes while collecting Pepsi cans and dodging Pepsi trucks and other obstacles. The comedic timing here is great, very Japanese. {Pepsi Man runs around with a trash can over him} I don't know though, there's just something unsettling about all of this. It's got a Truman Show thing goin' on here. There's no music, and everything in this world is...Pepsi. They live and die for Pepsi. {camera pans to the amount of cans collected} Pepsi is the currency, {a giant Pepsi can chases Pepsi Man} but Pepsi is also the enemy. {he runs into a Pepsi truck} Pepsi stops us, {then he encounters a cheering crowd of townspeople} ''but it keeps us going too. ''{another truck sends him flying into a Pepsi billboard} Pepsi is the hero, and the villain. The good and the bad, the yin and the yang! One thing can't be wholly good or wholly evil, and that would be naïve and unrealistic to assume. Yes, even our corporate titans have a crack in their façade. Well, their logo, it makes so much sense now. The blue represents the Pepsi and the red represents the Pepsi, and the white represents an intricate inside job carried out by reptilians. Pepsi hung on a cross; he died for your sins. He was then jabbed in the side with a spear by the Romans, and America, what came out was Pepsi. And the Roman soldier, he drank from the Pepsi and said "Well, objectively, I just prefer Coke." And then, three days later, the Pepsi was flat. Everything's goin' dark. {tugs on chain again} Well, Grimbo, bring me a cold one! {Grimbo has now passed out with a blue aura around him due to drinking several cans of Pepsi; Jon continuously tugs the chain to try and wake him up} Oh, Grimbo, no! Grimbo drank too much! Oh, oh no! Grimbo! Grimbo, come back to me! Come back to me Grimbo! {he gives up and slams down onto the couch, the scene cutting to black just as he does} {sometime later, a Bustos delivery guy enters with a brand new Macaulay Culkin head bust} Delivery Guy: Hey, anyone home? We noticed through them trekking sheep {the viewer} that your last Macaulay Culkin head bust broke, so we brought you an emergency replacement. {he looks all over the room, noticing the mess caused by the ruckus earlier} ''Oh, wow, what happened here? ''{Jon is asleep on the couch; he suddenly wakes up} Jon: Oh, sorry, I was playing these video games based on food and, I guess things got a little carried away. Delivery Guy: Oh my god, I see now, I finally get it. It's all clear. The true meaning of Thanksgiving isn't food, but thanks for family, by being a good, balanced person with personal responsibility. Did those video games cause everything that's wrong with the world, like obesity, real life violence, and misogyny? Jon: That makes perfect sense, I see it now, I think it's hilarious! {Jacques appears in front of the American flag} Jacques: God bless the U.S. media. {the episode ends} Category:Transcripts